There are many stories about the beginning, from the mythical “Big Bang” of male physicist fantasy, to the light switch creation of Genesis. Different cultures each have their own tale, often passed down to wide-eyed children, some, like the “Day of the Vacuum Fart” are told only to children with giant hoops around the neck. I’m not sure which story, if any, is true. I DO know from whence poker came.
This is the story of O-TIS.
IN THE BEGINNING
In the days of primordial ooze, when the earth was still building a protective layer of air, and the sun’s radiant poison melted even the most stubborn rock, a “singularity” existed in the sbobet poker universe. All mass and energy, all thoughts of pot-odds and suckouts, all bad beat tales and bad winner’s rants, were compressed into a single entity with enough gravity to move a chair with Greg Raymer upon it (not that such a chair or Raymer did then exist). From this single point, all poker was born.
It is believed that poker was less than 2% to exist at all, but singularities always draw. Rather than a “big bang,” it was a colossal SUCK, like a vaccum hose just cleared after a clogging furball blows. Each corner of the globe was littered with gambling debris, tens of thousands of poker concepts and games reached every corner of the globe. Some were instantly destroyed, like the concept of bankroll management. Others would grow into a million species of belief, most of them very, very dumb. Poker archaeologists call this the “Day of Party Poker.”
What still puzzles many of the great thinkers, and there are at least a dozen, are the singularity’s similarities. All poker matter doth consist of the same 52 card deck. All poker players use the same system of barter, colored chips, which were made of clay even then. Stranger still there was a hierarchy, a rank of hands, that was uniform in every corner of the globe. This is true from the island of Lesbos, where everyone plays stud, to the short statured Pygmies, who invented the game of Razz. Poker needed a grand unifying theory. What it got was a God.
WE GET RELIGION
First records of the universal rules of poker were discovered by the great prophet CJ. As the story goes, the tall but thin thinker would captivate his village with astounding tricks of magic and terrify them with his awful rage. The greatest of his powers was the ability to totally disappear, vanish from sight. Many cynics now believe this was simply a result of CJ turning sideways, but the legend is certainly true.
It was on one of these invisible jaunts, when CJ discovered the rules. Carved into the bark of a cypress tree, atop the Cypress Hill, near the cottage of Witch Doctor Pauly, CJ found what are still the 5 Commandments of the Poker God.
1. On this planet the game of poker shall be based on a series of relatively simple mathmatical calculations.
2. On this day forth, the game shall be most popular with people who are, and have always been, very bad at math.
3. On this land the game of poker shall be revered above all other games of skill and chance.
4. On this same land poker shall be penalized as a crime, while random picking of numbers shall be encouraged.
5. Only this day, and all until eternity, you shall abandon the notion of luck, there is only the one poker God.
When the great prophet CJ presented the rules to the terrified masses they sought a way to beg the favor of their terrible poker God. They memorized his laws, and came to know their Lord by the shortened words that procede each one. O-Tis was born.
THE SPREAD OF FAITH
Within a few days, because this is the spread of poker knowledge and myth, the entire world had bowed before Otis. Great statues were erected in his honor, each of them more glorious than the last. The image of their God was of a Grand Superman, more perfect than they. Pilgrims made bi-annual voyages to rub his head for luck, and cut portions of his endowment to grind as a cure for nymphomania. Today, after centuries of religious worship, every statue of the great Otis is nearly bald from the rubbing, and rather tiny in the pants, from years of abuse.
In the years the followed the religion’s rise, the Great Otis grew bored. He created, from the dust of his former self, a rival so horrible as to further prove the greatness of Himself. A struggling village idot, blind to the poker truth but happy in his ignorant life, was given the awful gift of knowledge. He was tall and ugly, his hair thick and luxourious as a contrast to the Creator, and he stole money from the people because he was too stupid to fold. Ignorant of math and odds he bet fortunes into pennies, and ignored the rank of hands. He was stupid but lucky which angered the poker God. By his theft alone, he was called G-Rob.
THE BATTLE FOR THE POKER UNIVERSE
Guided by his own sick and twisted prophet, the well-named BadBlood, G-Rob learned the dark side of the game. Epic battles, called “BLOGGER TOURNAMENTS,” began to unfold to the shock and horror of the humbled masses. To date, G-Rob still cannot outplay his prophet, but the engine of evil is unbridled ambition. The game shall forever continue. Today Otis plays directly from the “PokerStars,” and it is there that the great battle rages.
At poker tables, that span the entire globe, players cry out for help from Otis. Instead they are sucked out by his rival. O-Tis talks a mighty game, and will always be the Superior and the Creater… THE INVENTOR OF POKER ITSELF… but…
The latest of those battles, the “Up For Poker Invitational” was held on Poker Stars last night.
Check the Lord’s post below for the result.
